Your father is a nutbag. How to exchange a Cheeto for a Corned Beef on Rye.

A father explains to his little girls about why he sold a Cheeto on ebay (as if that kind of thing needs explaining)

Megan and Jenna,
OK girls, by now you see that your dad has a screw loose. Well, actually, I don't have a screw loose, but I am just one Cheeto® short of a full bag. One day, I was having lunch, eating some Cheetos when out popped from the bag a Cheeto that looked just like the Elephant Man, John Merrick. The funniest part of this whole thing is that every Cheeto looks like the Elephant Man! But, wanting to do nothing else other than amuse myself, I placed an ad on eBay to sell this one of a kind, "Elephant Man Cheeto Likeness. Stunning resemblance". Writing the eBay ad was a lot of fun. After posting the ad, my friend Dusty linked to it from his website and drove about 5000 people to see it. The fact that someone paid money for it is even funnier. But then again, can you blame them? I mean, you only get one opportunity in a lifetime to own a cheeto- elephant man look alike. Dusty and I exchanged the Cheeto for the price of lunch. And the lunch didn’t taste anything like a cheesy chip thingey. The Cheeto sold for $13.00. Several people posted questions during the auction. Those are included on this site.

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HERE'S THE EBAY AD:

		Elephant Man Cheeto Likeness. Stunning resemblance

Behold this stunning likeness of the Elephant Man. Imagine it, right there in my bag of Cheetos® brand cheese-flavored snacks (©2005, All rights reserved). I couldn't believe it. I didn't even finish my lunch. Seeing such an important figure in history revealed to me in a fake cheese-covered, fried, chip, eidible thingey of prominent deliciosness caused water to squirt out of my eyes. It was beautiful. A real moment. (Note that this likeness of the Elephant Man is made from the Crunchy type of Cheetos, not the standard kind. Don't be fooled by imitations. Insist on Crunchy.) Revered syndicated columnist / artist / savant Dusty Scott, took one look and was flabbergasted.
"I've done a lot of portraits in my day, but nothing in all my world travels, including trips to exotic ports-of-call like Hahira, Georgia, Piscante, Wisconsin, or even the greater metropolitan Sheboygan area could have prepared me for a sight so utterly full of awesome awsomeitudeinosity."
Dusty Scott, Syndicated Columnist, (http://porktornado.diaryland.com)

Cheeto on the left		John Merrick, the Elephant man on the right
Yes, I know, it's hard to tell them apart. The difference between the two photos is almost imperceptible to the human eye.

This one-of-a-kind likeness of the Elephant Man can be treasured for years, or as long as the preservatives hold out. If you are so lucky as to win this highly coveted item, I suggest you take it to either the museum curator of the Smithsonian Institution, or a phlebotomist, or possibly even the person handing out numbers at the dressing room of your local Marshalls, Wal Mart, or Target store, and have it properly appraised.

This near-exact replica of the elephant man, finely crafted, is something that sorely tempts me. I mean, look at it. Doesnt it beg to be eaten? I must issue this warning. If this cheeto is not purchased here at auction, I'm, I'm, I'm....well, I'll just say it. I'm going to eat it. No kidding. I'll consume this little guy with the fervent passion of a person who understands its' cheesy deliciousness. It has a certain deliciousosity that just cant be resisted.
Here's the hit counter for the auction:

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What's the moral of this story? Well, I don't know. Perhaps the moral is that it's ok to not take life so seriously once in a while. And besides, how many people can say that they've exchanged a single Cheeto for a corned beef on rye? (Your father is a nutbag. Now do you believe me when I say I was hit in the head with a flying air conditioner?!)

'Your Dad

The Peachtree DeKalb Airport scandal. Some Things are Worth Fighting For

A father writes to his little girls about corruption, cover ups, and causes worth fighting for

Megan and Jenna,
Undoubtedly, throughout your lives, you are going to come across issues in our society that motivate you. Certain things you find cause to want to do something about. Certain things that just need to be fixed. And, some things are worth fighting for. Some things are even worth dying for. (But, neither of you has permission from your father to die, so therefore you can't).

Throughout our country's history, there has always been a cause worth fighting for. In World War II, your great grandfather fought by flying supply planes over the Himalayan mountains in China, Burma, and India to keep the Chinese people supplied in an effort to fight off the Japanese who were invading their country. Americans were sick of seeing the Japanese and Germans invade countries with no regard for the value of human life. Thirty five years later, in 1976, the Drug Enforcement Administration was founded to fight the scourge of narcotics flowing into this country. Americans were sick of seeing the youth of the United States waste away into drug addiction and crime. And in the second Gulf War, US and allied soldiers fought against an evil regime in Iraq, freeing the country from a psychotic dictator. Americans were sick of seeing men, women and children tortured and killed at the whim of a lunatic. (Read more.)

Fortunately, many of the causes you will run into in your lives won't require you to place your life on the line. Most of these issues are dealt with in the courtroom instead of with a rifle in your hand. One such issue that is facing our family today is the apparent corruption / cover up going on at our regional airport, Peachtree DeKalb (PDK). Sadly girls, you are living in a corrupt county. The level of the cover up seems to lead straight to the very top of the DeKalb county government, into the office of the DeKalb CEO. The controversy surrounding our county government is the purposeful concealment of publicly owned records at the airport. You see, the airport is only allowed to land planes of a certain weight limit. That weight limit restriction basically creates an airport environment that should be more conducive to controlling noise and pollution levels for the surrounding neighborhoods and towns. The DeKalb county government has refused for several years to hand over airport records that will show the gross violations of the weight limit of planes routinely using this airport. Small sized corporate jets are within the weight guidelines, but PDK has continued to land planes as large as DC-9s. A DC-9 is a jetliner that is capable of handling 80-90 passengers. This is the type of jet you would board at Hartsfield International Airport and fly to a destination like New York or Chicago.

So, many citizens of the county of DeKalb, including myself and your mother, and the citizens of surrounding counties have banned together to fight to bring the airport back to the level that it was intended. A lawsuit entitled Feltus vs. DeKalb County has been filed. The irony of this lawsuit is that here we are, citizens of DeKalb, and we are paying three times to obtain these flight records.

• First, we pay our taxes to have the airport. We pay for the airport records to be maintained. Those are our public records.
• Second, we have to pay for a lawsuit against our own county to obtain our own records.
• And third, our own county is fighting us tooth and nail using our own tax dollars and county attorneys to keep our own records hidden from us.

Girls, I fear that when this is over, there will be a bloodbath. Not in the literal sense. But I fear we are staring down the gauntlet of a very large scandal. We're living right in the middle of it. I'm sorry you girls have to grow up in a place where you aren't truly free. In a place where you aren’t free to obtain your own public records from your own government when you want them. It pains me to think of your childhood that way.

We're living in a county whose legal defense against this lawsuit is that:

• "Since the flight records are computerized, and haven't ever been printed onto paper, that they therefore aren't really 'records'." (Isn't that a classic?! The computerized records aren't really records because they aren't printed on paper. I can just see the judge's reaction when the county lawyers throw that one out.)
• The county's other defense is that the airport has a contract with the FAA and that "the contract prevents the disclosure of the records". Fortunately, the Attorney General of the state of Georgia, Therbert Baker, recently wrote an opinion of this case in which he states that "no legal contract can exist that trumps state law." That means that, in his opinion, the DeKalb County government can't have a contract with the FAA in which the terms of the contract supersede the laws of the state of Georgia.

When you add it all up, it means that we live in a place whose government would be abhorred by the founding fathers of the government of the United States. Why does PDK and DeKalb county behave this way? Why do they need to cover up public records? I'll tell you why: corruption is always surrounded by a series of money trails. Somewhere, there is a large trail of money; and when the airport records finally become public, we're going to see where this money trail leads. Girls, don't get me wrong, I'm not opposed to a government keeping many types of records private, as long as the records are more dangerous in public hands than if they are kept hidden. But remember, this is just a little county airport. There are no underlying security reasons to refuse to share these flight records. This is a form of oppression. Our founding fathers didn't put up with it, and neither will we because, some things are worth fighting for.

Your Dad

Story follow-up: Citizens Win Open Records Lawsuit Against DeKalb County, GA (PDK Airport)

This article can also be viewed here The Peachtree DeKalb Airport scandal

How to Find What Makes You Happy

A father explains to his young daughters "How do I know what I want to be when I grow up?"

Megan and Jenna,
You'll often hear people say "if you find a job you love to do, you'll never work another day the rest of your life." Well, that's pretty true. The tough part is finding exactly what makes you happy. What makes you tick? What are you passionate about? The difficulty that a lot of us have is that we just don't know the answers to those questions. We certainly don't know what we want to be when we are 3 and 4 years old, like you guys are. Even as we get older, we don't even know ourselves well enough. We don't know ourselves well enough to know what we like. Typically we know what we don't like, but finding what we really are passionate about is usually much more difficult.

As you get older, you two will be faced with many more decisions about your future. What do you want to do when you grow up? What do you want to be? Where do you want to go to college? Why haven't you taken out the trash? Unfortunately, most adults want to ease the pressure on you and tell you that "you don't have to decide right now about what you want to be when you grow up" or "there'll be plenty of time to figure out what you want to do with the rest of your life." I disagree with these ideas entirely. To me, it's very important that you get to know yourself in such a way as to be able to figure out what you really want to do. And I'm talking about trying to figure that out before you two are seniors in high school. Heck, it would be better to figure it out before the tenth grade, but I know that can be tough.

"But Dad, why on earth would we need to know our career path before our senior year in high school?" Funny you should ask that question, let me tell you about it. Now sit down, and try to look like interested. No, no, Megan, put down that stuffed animal bunny and pay attention. First of all, you've got to understand that many of the most respected people in our society actually did know what they wanted to be when they got older. They found an interest when they were very young and made darn sure they maintained the grade point average in high school to be able to get into the best university they possibly could. Many people out there have the intelligence to get into top universities but they didn't realize just how important it was to maintain top grades during high school, and then to maintain them throughout college. (Sidenote: don't look at my old report cards, look at your mothers'.) The university you choose to attend is crucial. You'll carry that with you for the rest of your lives. People are always interested to know where you went to school and those that attend the top universities have far more options open to them. Those that answer "Pigsnuckle U" rarely get the opportunities of those who can answer "Emory, Harvard, or Princeton." Now, you might think that people shouldn't judge you by the piece of paper you earned after high school. But, they do judge you by it. Just the way they judge you by your appearance. It's not right, but it is reality.

Do you know how many people get through one or two years of college and then realize how much they would like to be a physician, a Naval aviator, an Astronaut, an FBI agent, or a US Senator? The numbers are staggering. Well, actually, I have no idea what the numbers are like, but just humor me. And guess what? You'll live a constant nightmare of never having realized your potential and your dreams if you don't have the foresight and the grades to qualify you for these careers.

So, how do you find out just who you are? It sounds like a dumb question. But, you might be surprised as you get into your college years that you still haven't "found" yourself. Heck, the 1960's was a decade full of nothing but people trying to find themselves. I had the same trouble. I didn't really know what I was truly interested in when I was in my first two years of college. Here's how I figured it out. I started by getting psychological testing done to find out what type of career I was suited to. (I did this testing at Georgia State University, several years after college.) These tests take hours to complete but they can be very helpful. Then I spent a lot of time sole searching about the results I received. I then found people who are in those types of careers because they could tell me about other careers similar to theirs that might suit me perfectly.

You really should do this well before college so you can then plan your college education around a career plan geared toward this career. What grades do you need? What post-graduate education is needed. And never, never listen to adults that tell you that your college grades aren't all that important. Most people are never asked by employers what their GPA in college was. However, I have been asked to quote my college GPA over and over again. Many employers might not care about this, but if you are shooting to be in a career that if full of competition, then you are going to have to have top grades. (No pressure though).

Your Dad

This article can also be viewed here How to Find What Makes You Happy